Authenticity . . . again

This is such a wierd thing. I think it is really hard sometimes to be real. The reason I say it is wierd is because, I think it is the most difficult to be real with myself. And then, or course with God. Honestly, knowing where you are at seems to be extremely difficult for me. Sometimes my mind is set that I am this scum that will never do anything, let alone help anybody. And then sometimes I overshoot it and completely overestimate my abilities.
The question of 'who am I?' seems to come up again and again. But recently as I have been thinking/praying about it I am realizing something, this is really a subordinate question. There is a bigger question. The question seems to be 'Who is Jesus?'
Now as soon as I say that, alarm bells go off in my head, "Churchiness! Spiritual NONSENSE! WOHOO! WOHOO!" I say that sincerely. Here is my thinking:
The big question cannot be about me and my identity. Why? Becuase I have to be defined by something other than me. I don't think I can make too much sense out of this, but . . . it seems to me that the only way for me to find me is by me finding Jesus, who is the author and creator of my life. My life was created and is being lived out in HIM. In this inseperable spirit, mine with His, He seems to be the one to base things off of. He is the eternal One. He is the unchanging One. He is the Way, the Truth and the Life.
My quest is to find my identity, reality and authenticity. When I am real with myself, I can be honest with God. This is my aim. Raw, difficult, brutal honesty with God.
I want so badly to be in a place with God, where all of my stuff is on the table. ALL of it. I don't want to hide from God. I want to stand before Him and be able to say that I serve Him with a clear conscience. Not because I am pulling it all off, but because it is all out there. There is nothing in my life that can be 'found out' and thrown in my face. God knows it all. I know that God knows it all.
God take me to that place. It is scary and I don't know how to get there. But I know I want it. It is intimacy with You that I crave. I know that this is a term that gets thrown around a lot, but I want to be close to You. Take me there. Take me deeper than I planned to go, keep me longer than I planned to stay and let it cost me everything I have. God I choose to deny myself on a daily basis, in an effort to find You and to find my REAL life. God I choose to pray when it is hard, confusing, frustrating and seemingly futile. God I choose to evaluate my life honestly, not in an academic way, but in a real, honest, this is my sinful heart way. God help me find You. AMEN!